why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
