we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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