i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
