i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Randomize
