you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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