I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
