Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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