nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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