you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
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He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
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