he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
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