i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
