just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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