Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
