Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
