You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Randomize
