Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
