She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
