I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Randomize
