im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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