I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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