At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
