the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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