Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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