Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
