dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
