Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
