3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
