if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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