Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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