i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Randomize
