enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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