I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
