Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Sorry my hands just texted you
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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