I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
