i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize
