wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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