standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
