my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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