Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Randomize
