is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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