Pants 0. Shit 1.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Randomize
