im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
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I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
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I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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