he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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