well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Randomize
