Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
