The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
