I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
