do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
