Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
