Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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