I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
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I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
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you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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