i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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